Eclipsing

There’s some thing about an eclipse that physically reminds you that we are on a planet within a solar system surrounded by many other celestial bodies that are incomprehensibly bigger than us.

As much as I tried to resist the lure of astrology, I have been a low key fan since the days of monthly horoscopes in the back of Teen Beat magazine. I saw a post from Amy of @sistervillage on Instagram about the eclipse and new moon and it got me thinking.

In the post Amy asserts that the Aries Solar Eclipse that happened on Monday represents new beginning and as is an opportunity to boldly move towards your goals. It’s a time for reflection and doing the inner work to get there. The caveat being that in order for something new to come into your life, some thing (or things) need to be released. Specifically whatever has been holding you back. This is what piqued my interest the most. I’ve been reflecting on what holds me back from my goals and it always comes back to me. I get in my own way by trying to do all things “perfectly” all time.

In the past I’ve dug into my perfectionist tendencies and they are all rooted in the subconscious belief that I must be perfect in order to be worthy. There a a multitude of things from my childhood I’ve identified as contributing to this belief, but instead of rehashing that I am focusing on rewriting this script on the deepest level. Whenever a feeling of “I don’t deserve this” or “I’m not good enough” creeps in I interrogate why I believe that. There root of that feeling always dissipates after deeper reflection. Thankfully these feelings are fewer and further between these days, but not eradicated. Just a few days ago a stressful situation threw me into those feelings of self doubt but the recovery seems to be swifter and smoother the older I get.

This eclipse came at just the right moment for me. Like the sun, moon, and our planet, it’s a time for me to align with my highest self. A reminder to get out of my own way and continue doing the inner work as opportunities arise.

Traveling Plus One

Fresh mountain air, a luxe cabin, and nothing on the agenda. Sounds like a perfect plan until you throw in one miserable 15 month old who hates the car seat, loves his routines, and has molars that decided this trip was the perfect time to start making their appearance.

When I booked this getaway, just a couple of hours outside of LA, I envisioned it being an experiment. We haven’t travelled as a family since our son was born. He hasn’t spent a night away from home since we brought him back from the hospital. And while all three of us are homebody’s, eventually we’d like to get back to traveling. So this short trip to the mountains would be a litmus test for how ready we are to venture away as a trio.

The baby would be on spring break from nursery and my old friend would be visiting from Amsterdam. What better time to get out of dodge and enjoy the burgeoning spring season? I made my lists of what to pack and planned out our little one’s meals. He has a few severe food allergies so bringing along the essentials would assure he’d have all he needed. I mapped out what his routines would look like outside of our home, naptime, bathtime, and bedtime being the critical ones. I research travel cribs, packed toys, toiletries, and layers. And I found the perfect family friendly cabin that met my standards visually and comfort wise and met our families need for all the baby gear. I controlled for as many factors as I could and kept expectations low. Worst comes to worst we could turn around and head right back home.

We timed the drive with his nap hoping he’d fall asleep in the car. He’s never slept in the car, but one can hope. We didn’t even make it out of our neighborhood before we had to pull the car over to nurse. He did sleep though, and we only had to whip out the boob two more times en route to get him to stay asleep. 15 minutes before arrival he woke up done with his car seat and that’s when we resorted to a little screen time. Why subject everyone to 15 minutes of blood curdling cries when we’ve made it this far?

The cabin was lovely, and baby boy was obviously happy. His teething pain and frustration with sitting for so long melted away with the prospect of exploring a brand new (not baby proofed) environment.

The day faded into evening and we ventured out to a local farmers market before the mountain mist fell and made being outside unbearable. Back at the cabin we relaxed until the baby fell asleep, easily without his typical routine I might add. And then we lit a fire and cooked a feast of a dinner. After a bit of lounging and warm showers we joined in on getting some sleep.

The next morning our little guy was up early and therefore so were we. After a leisurely breakfast we headed lakeside to explore the shops and hunt for the next meal. It was far colder than we hoped and a severe weather advisory has been issued so we knew our trip would be cut short so not to risk getting stuck in the snow. After cocoa and Belgian waffles we headed back to the cabin for nap time. This nap time proved to be far less successful than bedtime and I had to nurse our guy to sleep and was held hostage with him in bed. So much for that overly researched travel crib.

While we snoozed my husband began packing all the miscellaneous things and pretty soon after waking we were off again. This time the impromptu drive back was rescued by “Hey Bear” (iykyk), and a midway nursing break at a gas station - del taco combo drive through.

Suffice to say, the adults were harried by the trip, although there were pockets of rest and relaxation in between chasing after a toddling tyke. But despite this trip not feeling anything like similar trips of the past, it was such a great learning experience. We learned to let go of what ought to happen and take each moment as it comes.

Plus, seeing our little guy explore a new place with such enthusiasm and then return and revel in our home with even more enthusiasm is putting a smile on my face even now as I type this.

The Vernal Equinox

I don't know about you, but the past month has been a doozy. I am not usually one to look to the cosmos for explanations, yet recently I have been hoping there is something to blame for much harder life has been as of late. I'll spare too many details aside from saying that out home has been plagued by illness and some very close people to me have been facing some of the worst life has to offer. As I try to keep my life afloat and support those I love I've been clinging to the fact that winter always turns to spring (as on of my favorite buddhist teachings says).

In fact, today is the auspicious vernal equinox. After watching this TikTok, I decided that I would use the coming of spring as a fresh start on my new year and leave the woes of February (and early March) behind. The start of spring has always been special to me. My beloved grandmother's birthday was the first day of spring (give or take a few hours depending on the year). Like a budding flower breaking through winter, she was always hopeful and ever resilient. Her youthfulness even as she faced the ailments of old age was a constant reminder that I can take on the challenges of life and still find joy in the everyday. So in celebration of what would have been her 90th, I am declaring the coming of this season a chance for me to reset my intentions for the year.

Ebbing More Than Flowing

I’ve been a little MIA because these season just feels like survival. When I get in this space life gets whittled down to the necessities, family, my health, work, friends, and the daily requirements of keeping life going. I used to get down on myself when these times came, feeling like I wasn’t doing enough or not managing my time correctly. These days I realize that life is full of ebbs and flows and I can either struggle to speed them up or slow them down, or I can ride them as they come. Lots more riding them these days and that feels fantastic.

Baby’s First Birthday Party

My baby is a year old and when planning for his first birthday I had one goal, keep it simple. Firstly, because after the marathon of holidays and our anniversary, an elaborate birthday was not in the cards. Secondly, because he’s not going to remember it anyway! So the vision was something simple at home with family only. I still wanted to decorate and decided to go with a subtle ball theme since baby boy is obsessed with them. Think lots of colors, balls, balloons, and bubbles.

I DIY’ed most of the decor over the course of a week. If I am being honest, the balloon garland did the heavy lifting to make things festive. My cousin and I made one of these for my baby shower, this time I sized down and it was very manageable to make on my own. I also made the cutest garland of his face (ugh I know such a tease) from each month of his first year and a little cake topper to match. And the easiest and most nostalgic of all my crafts were colorful paper chains, oh how fun and I cannot wait to make them with my little guy when he’s a bit older.

The day of I made a little cake and tried out a watercolor frosting technique. This was meant to be a smash cake but as predicted he was not interested in smashing anything. He stuck his little fingers in the frosting and once he realized it was sticky, retreated his hand in disgust, ha! He is in a phase where slimy and sticky textures are lava and I can complain because I was not excited to wash cake out of everything anyway.

We kept food simple and ordered pizza. Honestly after hosting Christmas brunch we felt like we deserved to cheat a little with this event. Plus a pizza party screams childhood to both my partner and our guests loved it!

What I Bought for the Party

Beige “One” Balloon (Amazon)

Balloon Garland Kit (Etsy)

Custom Fabric Crown (Etsy)

Party Hats (Target)

Paper Plates (Target)

Paper Napkins (Target)

Compostable Flatware (Target)

Ball Party Favor (Target)

Bubbles Party Favor (Target)

Et voila, that was it! We sang happy birthday, ate, and played in his playroom. No gifts, no planned activities or schedules. It was low-key and I actually got to be present with everyone! Happy birthday to my baby <3

My Baby is Turning One

It’s been a year, a full revolution around the sun, and a full revolution within myself. My baby is becoming a toddler and he definitely got the memo.

I thought I would be more weepy than I am. I am more in disbelief at how long some days felt, but how fast this year has passed. I feel we, as a family, have live hundreds of lives in this single year. We’re actively evolving into a family unit, and it’s a beautiful (while jarring) experience.

This milestone feels significant but also not so much. Tomorrow we will wake up and run our same routine, take on what comes at us, and keep it moving. “One” feels more like a rest stop to take it all in. An intentional milestone placed on the calendar of days to remind us to appreciate all that we have accomplished. “One” is a chance for us to party and celebrate our little guy, even if he has no idea why.

One, right now, looks like a lot of action; crawling, cruising, and some walking about. Sami is still obsessed with “Ball” and has more than one baby should probably own. Days are filled with music and dancing and you would be surprised by the rhythm he has (gets it from his mama). Opening and closing doors is one of the coolest things on the planet right now, as are drawers. He saying more words and consonant sounds other than “ba.” And he’s started using a few signs, the cutest of which is “milk.” The car seat is still the worst, but is made better with nursery rhymes. And at the top of the list for favorite foods we have pumpkin and crackers. There is so much more about my little dude that can’t be easily summed up in a few sentences. His sweet, precocious, and determined personality is blooming more and more each day. It makes waking up before the sun after a rough night’s sleeping easier because I get to learn something new about this little human who has now existed outside of me for an entire year!

New Year, New Goals

Last week I shared my intentions for the year, and today I have been thinking about concrete goals. There are a few areas I want to focus on this year home, money, hobby, health, and style. Family is notably missing because so much of my life is about my little nuclear family and creating time and memories with extended families that I do t think I need specific goals at the moment. These other areas have been somewhat neglected and I have some concrete things I want to accomplish which I’ll dive into now.

Home

I have the goal of making our rental our own this year. We’ve been here for three years and plan to stay for several more so I want to invest in some cosmetic changes that do more than what furniture and decor can do. First on my list is my en-suite bathroom which is the epitome of builder grade.

Money

Ever since getting pregnant and especially having my son I have paid very little attention to my spending. My shopping is typically pretty intentional, but it exploded with buying things for the baby and I have deeply evaluated how much of that is necessary, convenience, or now frivolous. I want to start with a low buy challenge to slow down a bit. And I plan to reconcile my 2023 budget with my actual expenses to see exactly where my money is going. Fingers crossed!

Hobby

Last year I knew all hobbies would need to go on hold to survive the baby phase but this year I want to start dabbling again. Particularly with more writing (and reflecting). I write a lot for work and want to strengthen my creative writing muscles.

Health

As with many things I mentioned above, fitness was put on a bit of golf last year. In particular this year I want to get back to daily stretching, some strengthening, and a steady and sustainable routine.

Style

The last goal is about clothes and styling what’s already in my closet. My body seems to have normalized a bit and I am fitting back into some of my pre-baby clothes and culling some that not longer serve my needs. I want to have fun with my wardrobe again and rediscover the pieces I have so getting dressed and sharing that is on my list for 2024.

A Bittersweet Goodbye

Today I sent this email to my Two Days Off email list and it has me all in my feelings.

Hi friend, today I am writing you with some bittersweet albeit unsurprising news. Two Days Off is closing up shop.

I am sure you've noticed the significant decrease in mail and shop activity from TDO over the past year. That is because of all the life changes I have been navigating personally. If you follow my personal accounts already, you may know that I gave birth to a sweet little boy in January. The nine months preceding that were more challenging than anything I prepared for and because of that I had to ease up on TDO. Now that I am settled into life as a working parent (yes, I have a day job in the climate space too), I have come to realize my plate is too full for the new phase I am in and I have decided to close this chapter that has meant so much to me.

If you've been here from the beginning you know that Two Days Off began organically with a lot of inspiration and support from people like you. I wanted to do business differently and create a values driven company and that I did and will always be proud of. Over the course of my five years in business I have made life long friends, grown in ways I never would have without becoming an entrepreneur, lost someone very dear to who has left a gaping hole, and found deep fulfillment in motherhood. I personally transformed, and hope that in that process I was able to add value to your life in some small way.

With that said, I will be clearing out remaining inventory and wrapping up before the end of the year. Everything in the shop is currently 50% off, no code needed.

This may be the end of Two Days Off in its current iteration, but it certainly won't be the end of my creative pursuits.

Thank you for five beautiful years.

This Gina had no idea she’d be closing up shop anytime soon, but thats how life goes sometimes.

The biggest feeling I feel is relief. I haven’t been putting the effort Two Days Off deserves into it for a while now and it has been hard for me. Closing this chapter feels like good timing as I have entered a brand new one. While I know I could try to juggle motherhood, my relationship, my career, and this business I built with my blood, sweat, and tears (literally), I just don’t want to. I don’t want to juggle, I want to do less and enjoy as much of this time with my little one as I can.

10 Years Later

As August comes to a close I enter my most reflective time of year. September has always been my favorite month, partly because it’s my birthday month, but also because it traditionally signaled a new school year and a fresh start. As a big nerd growing up I loved the start of school and the impending new things I was certain to learn.

As I’ve grown up this rhythm has remained and so here I am, today reflecting on where I was at this time 10 years ago. It just so happens I was on plane leaving Europe and heading back to the states to start school… grad school that is.

Late July, 2013 I packed up my cubicle, returned to my nearly empty apartment, and prepared for a month abroad. I saved up all summer, selling a massive part of my vintage wardrobe on Etsy. Not going to lie, some of those pieces I still think about occasionally. But nonetheless I was in a purge state of mind. I was 25, in the thick of my minimalist phase, and looking to feel free. And free I felt.

Over a month I bopped from Iceland, England, Italy, and France. I stopped in cities where I had friends of a deep desire to explore. Traveling solo was just the appetizer. I got into my dream school, and was about to attend my dream program.

September has always marked new beginnings for me, and this year is no different. This month I will officially enter my late 30s and I can honestly say this period of life, while the hardest I’ve ever experienced, is my absolute favorite.

And it seems only fitting that today I announced the closing of my business, the business that I launched exactly 5 years ago today. It’s time for a fresh start and a new chapter in the new phase of life I am in. I would say it is bittersweet, but knowing what I know now about fresh starts and the great adventures they can bring, I am actually more excited for what’s next than what has been.

Ten years later and September is still living up to the hype.

I Still Miss You

Three years somehow feels like a significant amount of time for you to be gone. I almost feel ashamed that so much time can pass and somehow I am still moving along. But of course that is silly and precisely what I should be doing (insert your sarcastic joke about being a loser who gives up on life here).

I miss you everyday and still can’t believe you aren’t on this earth with me some many miles away gardening, walking your dogs, watching NHK too loud, or studying up for your next Buddhist meeting where you will inevitably inspire someone with your sincerity and life experience.

I can’t believe I’ll never sit silently in a room with you reading or watching something for one of us to break the silence with a random thought that’s will eventually lead to laughter.

I can’t believe you will never meet my son, the sweetest little human who I know you would have said looks exactly like you (just like all of your great grandchildren 😆) but in this case you would be right. The number of times someone has said “he looks just like grandma in that pic” prompting me to do a double take and smile with glee is too many to count.

I can’t believe I won’t get to call you when I am struggling in motherhood, or when I have run out of ideas for dinner, or when he has a school project we need inspiration for (you will always be the queen of crafts to me).

I can’t believe you did this 8 times, and raised 7 children. I now understand why your heart was so big and how it could fit the problems of the world and still have room for more.

I will always have a slight amount of pity for my son who did get to meet you, but I will spend my life making sure that he knows you. His middle name honors you and this side of our family, and I hope it ignites his curiosity to know more.

I love you always.

One Year Ago Everything Changed

Throwback to April 30th, 2022… exactly a year ago I got the positive pregnancy test that brought us Sami. I remember being in disbelief, after peeing on so many sticks and a lot of disappointment I kinda wasn’t expecting a positive (despite praying for it). I was in so much disbelief that I took a test every morning for nearly two weeks to make sure my HCG levels were increasing.

I was anxious to say the least. I experienced a chemical pregnancy before and that coupled with my lifetime fear of infertility (not to go down that rabbit hole but I have always had an irregular cycle), put me on edge. I was scared to be too physical, I even remember wondering if some of my pants were too constricting!

I was elated and filled with hope, and yet filled with fear. All of the “what ifs” set in like concrete before I even finished processing my joy. That’s a large part why I didn’t share my pregnancy online until well into my third trimester.

After realizing the news we went ahead with our days as if all was the same, it’s such a bizarre experience. On one hand I want to shout it for the world to hear, and on the other I needed to keep it quiet and sacred just between us and eventually those closest to us.

Now as I sit here in my new reality and looking back at that day I kinda miss when my partner and I were a carefree twosome. But that feeling is fleeting because Sami is what I have prepared my whole life for 🤍 truly a blessing like no other I have experienced. So far our life as a threesome has taught me so much and brought so much more love into my life. I cannot wait to see how our lives together continue to unfold!

A Postpartum Body

I am 8.5 months pregnant in the picture above, freshly on maternity leave, and eagerly awaiting baby. I still can’t believe this was my body. My whole pregnancy felt like a fever dream of survival (needless to say I do not miss being pregnant). But as I exit the 4th trimester, I am utterly in awe of what my body has done. It deserves a reverence that I couldn’t quite imagine before. Even now as it works to sustain another person through hormonal changes, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and more I am just in awe. This is me, this is what I am capable of. And in the grand scheme of life the things I can at times worry about seem frivolous. Rediscovering this body I lived in my whole life in and celebrating what it has done feels good and important.

Sami turned 12 weeks yesterday and on Monday I spent my first hour away from him. I went to the gym for the first time since last spring. It was hard leaving him with his dad, but it was harder getting my body moving again. I knew I wouldn’t be anywhere close to the level of fitness I was before pregnancy (I was at my peak condition just before getting pregnant) but I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed anyway.

I decided that instead of aiming to get back to my “pre-baby body,” I would instead focus on building the strength I need for this new phase of my life. I need a stronger back and core to life my little guy up and down without moaning and groaning. I need stamina to manage the long days with a good attitude and chase after him when the time comes. I need to demonstrate good nutrition to him so he will build healthy habits. None of these things have to do with how I look, but instead how I feel. And these types for fitness goals feel exciting to me in this moment.

Our Birth Story

I don’t know exactly how to go about writing baby Sami’s birth story, there is a lot I am still processing. But I know I want to record it for my future self before more time slips by and I forget the details. So here goes.

For some context, this pregnancy was hard on me physically and I was so ready to pop Sami out by week 38. I began doing every trick you’ll find on the internet to induce labor from walking in the rain to getting chemical burns on my tongue from too spicy Thai food! Despite my relentless efforts my due date, January 5th, came an went. At my last doctors appointment I wasn’t dilated and my OBGYN was unable to give me a membrane sweep (which I was desperately looking forward to).

I had an induction on the books for 41 weeks (Thursday, January 12) if baby didn’t come sooner so at least I knew the end was near. On the afternoon of Tuesday the 10th I noticed baby boy had been particularly sluggish and the prior night he didn’t have his usual kick fest so my gut told me to call labor and delivery (L&D) about decreased fetal movement. He would wiggle here and there but he just didn’t seem like his usual self. The nurses told me it doesn’t hurt to go in and get monitored. After a little hemming and hawing and with the encouragement of my husband we went in to be safe around 3pm.

The nurses set me up in triage and after about 20 minutes of heartbeat perfection from baby boy they were preparing to send me home. Just before the doctor was to come in I had a contraction. I had been having contractions for weeks and they were very long, 5-10 minutes, and infrequent. Previously I had called L&D about these prolonged contractions and the nurse I spoke with was skeptical they were that long assuming I was timing them incorrectly. We’ll there it was in the monitor, a 8 minute contraction and something else I didn’t expect.

During this contraction a nurse came in asking if I have moved the monitors. I told her no, not knowing why she had asked, but I quickly told her I was experiencing a contraction in case that could be affecting her readings. Without explanation she immediately started trying to reposition me, baby boy’s heart rate had decelerated and wasn’t coming back up in its own as the contraction persisted. Before I knew it she called a code because his heart rate wasn’t coming back up with the repositioning.

As she continued to flip me and turn me I began to quietly sob, I think because I had no idea what was going on and suddenly the room was filled with people in scrubs trying to get baby’s heart rate up. They mentioned a drug to stop my contractions, they tried trendelenburg, and everyone seemed to be taking across me hectically. Finally my contraction subsides, it was at least 7 minutes, and baby’s heart rate went back to normal.

Shortly after the crisis was averted, another nurse came in and informed me we were getting admitted. I was in shock from everything and couldn’t quite process how quickly things escalated. Fast forward I was out of triage and in the room where they would induce me, we went over our birth plan and they put me on a clear fluids diet. By the time I ordered some broth and jello I had another prolonged contraction and again a code was called for baby boy. This time it was longer and harder to get him back but they did with a shot to stop my contractions plus a cervical exam and massage of his head. I was only 1.5-2cm dialated at this point. That’s when they started talking about “fetal intolerance to labor” and the possibility of a C-section. Within the hour my husband and I weighed the options and risks of moving forward with the induction given how baby was reacting to contractions. We opted for the cesarean to hopefully prevent any potential harm, or prolonged stress to baby. It was such a hard decision because I never imagined his birth to go this way and to be very honest I have a fear of surgery, anesthesia, and needles. I felt we were entering my worse case scenario but I also felt a wave of courage to just get through it for Sami.

Pretty quickly after we decided the ball was moving. We opted for a spinal over general anesthesia despite me having eaten recently so that my husband could be in the room with me during surgery. I was in the operating room maybe 3 hours after showing up to triage that afternoon. Everything just happened so fast and I’m still processing it. Overall the C-section went well despite my fears. The only minor complication was that the first spinal anesthesia didn’t work properly and the CNRA spent a lot of time poking me with a needle to confirm until the anesthesiologist finally administered another while I was laying on my side shivering from the IVs. Once my husband was allowed in the room everything was much better. The operation felt fast, it’s a surreal experience feeling the pushing and tugging, hearing them operate but not feeling any pain. 

As for his birth, I was told to expect a pressure on my chest and shortly after our baby was out at 8:43pm. After a what felt like a long pause I finally heard him cry. I cry just remembering this. The NICU team took him first and then let my husband see him and cut his cord. He was wailing and I was waiting for updates. Eventually they brought him to me as I was getting sewn up and put his head beside mine. As soon as I spoke to him he stopped crying, my baby recognized my voice.

Fast forward we spent 2 days in the hospital both baby and I are healthy, and I am recovering slowly. The whole experience still feels surreal and if it wasn’t for this beautiful baby boy lying here in my lap I wouldn’t believe it actually happened. Overall I am just grateful for that I trusted my gut, grateful for the amazing medical professionals who took such good care of us, and grateful for my incredible husband who has been an endless source of strength and courage.

PS- Sami was born a healthy 8lbs 9oz and 21” long.

Month 9 Diary

We are so ready for you little boy. We still haven’t settled on your name, I think we need to meet you first before making that decision.

After all these months of tracking your development, I can’t believe there is a fully grown baby inside of me. I can’t believe it on one hand, but on the other my physical discomfort tells another story. Fortunately, I have started my maternity leave and truly it is needed. The exhaustion and pain are depleting my mental faculties. Most of my thoughts a consumed with the little tasks I want to accomplish before you arrive like organizing closets and hemming curtains I should have hemmed months ago.

It helps that we are playing the waiting game during the holidays, but it would be nicer if you were here with us… next year will be so much fun doing all the holiday activities with you. I hope you love baking with me. And crafts too.

Month 8 Diary

Oh boy, we are getting to the final stretch. Belly is bigger than ever and the house has been coming together in preparation for you, our new roomie. We had our baby shower a couple of weeks ago and it was small, lovely, and just the way I wanted to celebrate you. Unfortunately, promptly after we caught covid (I won’t tell you which of your loving aunts blessed us with that gift!), but fortunately we are much better now and back in preparation mode.

I only have 2 weeks until my maternity leave starts, which has been stressful. It will be a reality check to let go of work and accept a new routine, but I am excited for the challenge and mostly excited to be 100% present with you. It will also be nice for dad and I to celebrate our last holiday season as a duo. And even better for me to be able to lounge around the house, as I am experience more and more discomfort and pain by the day. Our 9th anniversary is just days before your due date so who knows what that will look like, regardless we are incredibly eager to meet you and wouldn’t mind in the least if you came early to celebrate with us. Just a month or so to go little one, see you very soon!

2023 Intentions

I’ve been thinking of what I want more of in 2023, and also what I want less of. Here’s whats been on my heart.

More:

Candid photos

Leisurely naps

Asking for help

Reading on the beach

Cooking delicious meals

Searching for the silver lining

Letting go of what’s not serving me

Doing things just for the fun of it

Unplanned, quality time with loved ones

Less:

Self-judgement

Overfilling my plate

Acting out of “obligation”

Feeling guilty about silly things

Trying to control the uncontrollable

2022 Reflections

2021 was a year of deep grief and growth for me. 2022 was my year of budding and patience. 2023 will be a true test of how much of that growth I can apply to my day to day.

This year has had a lot of “down time” while I was sick or just limited by pregnancy. This time allowed me to reflect on what matters most and the limitations showed my what is actually a “requirement” in my life and what is non-essential.

Recently, I happened upon “Kolb Learning Styles” which a theory that there is a 4 stage process to truly learning something: experience, reflection, learning, experimentation (and then back to experience). The experimentation, or as I like to think of it implementation, piece is the part I think I can miss out on at times. But it is the critical part where you take what you learned and apply it to your life. For instance last year I learned that I try to control so much of my life to create stability due to my unstable upbringing. And that often works for me, but at times I try to control what is uncontrollable and that can lead to suffering for me. So in 2022 I have been trying to identify what is worth trying to control and accepting what isn’t.

Along those lines, next year I truly want to implement the practice of putting in effort and then letting go when I have done all I can and trusting that my effort was enough. My 2023 word of the year is Release. I know that parenthood is going to come with some many things outside of my control. I am going to be working with a little human and partner with their own ways of doing things and I anticipate acceptance of that might be tough for me initially. But I am making it my goal to release the stranglehold I try to have on life and take things as they come. I want to summon the wisdom to know when I need to step in and when I can let others step in (or maybe even not). There might be a lot of “letting go” in 2023 and I am excited to see how that changes me.

My hope is that this year I will release the tension in my jaw, my expectations, the tight hold grip I have on my life and embrace all the unknown that is to come. I’m want this next chapter to feel like an exciting adventure. Much like when I started my business, I think becoming a parent will be this new exciting challenge I am totally unprepared for but eager to figure out. Only unlike with my business the goal will be to enjoy each day and try not to look to far down the line at specific end goals.

Month 7 Diary

We’re seven months in and you’ve become the cutest little wiggle worm ever. At 29 weeks we did a 3D ultrasound to see a sneak peek of you and you somehow were on your very best behavior! You slept through the entire scan, only slightly waking here and there when the techs probe disturbed you. We watched you yawn, and snooze on your right arm, bent back just the way I sleep. We were all charmed by you and are even more eager to meet you in person.

I can tell you are growing faster than ever because I am constantly hungry and I can feel you stretch in attempt to make more room for yourself. I feel bad that you are only going to get more cramped from here on, but I promise we’ll make up to you with all the little luxuries we’ve been preparing.

Month 6 Diary

I cannot believe we are here. We are just about to leave the 2nd trimester and enter the last stretch of sharing this body of mine. You are growing so quickly, I am hungrier everyday (hungry as I type!) and the bump you call home is getting harder to hide. I love my little bump and all the activity you produce inside. Your kicks, wiggles, and punches are getting stronger by the day. We play a game now where I put my hand on my stomach and you seem to find it giving me a little thump to each place I move it. You’ve also stopped being so bashful when your dad touches the belly and you kick him just as hard as me. You used to go still at his touch every time and I wondered if you were trolling him or just hesitant to kick and unfamiliar person (how polite indeed).

The crib went up this week, your dad put it together eagerly as soon as it arrived. It brings us so much joy seeing it in our room, imagining you sleeping sweetly in it so soon.

I’ve also told folks at my job now and you have been getting so many well wishes already. The world is waiting for you, no one more eagerly than dad and I though.

Month 5 Diary

My energy is significantly better and yours is off the charts. You love to wiggle and thump, and your kicks have gotten strong enough that we can see the skin of my belly protrude out as you explore your boundaries. I had a scare a this month when you were stiller than usual for two consecutive days. I missed your early morning dance wake up call and your evening dance session. Fortunately you were back to normal and feeling heavier than ever after those days passed. Maybe you were tired from a little growth spurt?

You seem to like when I sing along to songs in the car, or maybe you’re trying to tell me to knock it off. Either way it’s funny to feel you activate as I am driving to work or serenading your dad. Some days I look down at my belly and can’t believe you are in there. It is still surreal to me that you are having your own independent experience of life, right there tied to mine yet completely different. I asked your dad recently what could you be thinking. My theory is that you’re in the womb, present in a way that will be lost after some time earthside. Just experiencing each moment, not lost in the past or pondering the future. It’s comforting for me to believe.

This month you also went on your first road trip! Your auntie and uncle, Alissa and Saleh, came to visit and we have a fantastic time. They love you so much already. Although it seemed that anytime anyone other than me touches my belly you like to stop moving! Trolling us maybe? Eventually Alissa did catch your thumps after about a week of trying. It’s like whale watching, patience patience. All in all it was a wonderful vacation. We can’t wait for you to meet all of your family and to take you on road-trips when you’re here.