I just reread my 2022 reflections post and boy, let me just say this one is going to be quite different!
My first year of motherhood has been the most surprising year of my life. I have surprised myself time and time again. I always knew I was resilient, but I didn’t know how patient and flexible I could be. I am a typical Virgo, I like things the way I like them, typically tidy and predictable. Two words not often associated with life with a baby. From Sami’s exit out of the womb to now, nothing has been as I planned or idealized. And yet it has all unfolded in an utterly perfect way. This venture into raising a human has stretched me in ways that impress myself. I have realized that the truth I held about myself is malleable, that I am malleable. And that a different reality than the one I envisioned doesn’t feel like a compromise or sacrifice.
Last year I chose the word “Release” as my center point for 2023. It became embedded in my subconscious, a constant reminder to let go of what felt out of control in each moment and focus on what is right in front of me. A precious little human who needed very little but my nourishment, love, and attention. Becoming a mother made more present than years of meditation ever could (although it was excellent training). It forced me to focus on what (who) is important and not just arbitrary things I placed importance on. I had to focus on myself, especially my health and recovery; my child; and my husband. My career, while important, became more of a job and less of my identity. When I had the lovely experience (she says sarcastically) of navigating my maternity leave, I honestly handled the hoops I had to jump through so much better (read with less complaining) than I would have pre-baby. So many things just don’t feel worth my emotional effort anymore and I approach them with more neutrality as a result.
I needed more neutrality in my life. One of the tenants of mindfulness I have clung to is that of binaries, i.e. X is good and Y is bad. Instead just thinking X is what it is and Y is what it is. For instance when I forget to unload the dishwasher and I think to myself, oh I forgot, that sucks. Alternatively, I can just think, oh I forgot to unload it. It is what it is, a neutral act, not bad or good. This is what I have gained in more aspects. And the things that really matter, like my son hitting a new milestone or my husband sharing a cute story from the day, those things get my energy and gratitude.
I guess my overarching reflection on this year is that I found something so wonderful to appreciate and pour myself into that I am sweating fewer of the small things. So what if my house isn’t pristine for guests, we are going to spend quality time together and make memories just the same. So what if our holiday card photos weren’t taken professionally, our family will get a sweet picture of us nonetheless. So what if I can’t attended that evening work event because I would miss bath time, I get to hear my son say “bubbles” for the first time.
In 2024 I want to take more of this energy with me. Especially as Sami grows and becomes more aware of me and how I exist ing the world. I want to model for him caring about the things that matter. Prioritizing people over work or profit. Making memories and practicing gratitude every day.