I am 8.5 months pregnant in the picture above, freshly on maternity leave, and eagerly awaiting baby. I still can’t believe this was my body. My whole pregnancy felt like a fever dream of survival (needless to say I do not miss being pregnant). But as I exit the 4th trimester, I am utterly in awe of what my body has done. It deserves a reverence that I couldn’t quite imagine before. Even now as it works to sustain another person through hormonal changes, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and more I am just in awe. This is me, this is what I am capable of. And in the grand scheme of life the things I can at times worry about seem frivolous. Rediscovering this body I lived in my whole life in and celebrating what it has done feels good and important.

Sami turned 12 weeks yesterday and on Monday I spent my first hour away from him. I went to the gym for the first time since last spring. It was hard leaving him with his dad, but it was harder getting my body moving again. I knew I wouldn’t be anywhere close to the level of fitness I was before pregnancy (I was at my peak condition just before getting pregnant) but I couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed anyway.

I decided that instead of aiming to get back to my “pre-baby body,” I would instead focus on building the strength I need for this new phase of my life. I need a stronger back and core to life my little guy up and down without moaning and groaning. I need stamina to manage the long days with a good attitude and chase after him when the time comes. I need to demonstrate good nutrition to him so he will build healthy habits. None of these things have to do with how I look, but instead how I feel. And these types for fitness goals feel exciting to me in this moment.